The Big Unit

I'm going to steal from the FJM website for a minute, and analyze part of an article from an Arizona-based newspaper on the possible trade of the Unit out of NYC. This could be fantastic. I love the idea of getting younger and slowly bringing the payroll back toward respectability. Unless this opens the way for them to pay over $100M to Zito... (not a good idea, since they already have two soft-throwing lefties in Pettitte and Igawa). My awesomeness in bold

You're living in New York for some godforsaken reason.
Writers note: I recently returned from a trip to the 'godforsaken land' this past week on my trek to become the Muffin Doctor, and wow, was it awful. Ask Pasta, he's been there recently. I saw 5 muggings and two sex crimes on my 5 minute cab ride from to the hospital. Not to mention, I had to endure 'Saw'-like torture devices during my interviews with the residency committe...absolutely dreadful (spoken in a Simon-Cowell accent).

The first hour you're in town, two years ago, a TV guy sticks a camera in your face and embarrasses you. "Hi Randy, welcome to NY. We're excited to have you here to help bring another WS ring to this great city...one that's still recovering from terrorist attacks." ROOAAARRRRR! "Oops, our bad, sorry for caring, since you know, the 4M fans that fill the stadium each year have a little to do with paying your $16M this year and your $32M extension...welcome to NY D-Bag."

You just left a small town - well, in New York they think Phoenix is a small town, but it's really the fifth-largest city in the United States.
Now are we talking population or land-area? Its the day after Jesus' Birthday so I dont feel like looking it up, but I'd imagine by this a-hole's logic, that some cities in Montana are the largest in the world.

So, it's two years ago, and you just left Phoenix for the Big Apple.Good move. Makes sense. Four Cy Youngs and a World Series ring in the desert. Trade 'em in for a chance to be Whitey Ford. But you're not Whitey Ford. First of all, you don't drink enough to be Whitey Ford.
If you want to be Whitey Ford, you NEED to stay in NYC so 'The Donald' can pay for your rehab. Then when you are done with rehab, you can eat that fat bitch Rosie for dessert.

Secondly, you are Randy Johnson. The greatest pitcher of your generation. or Pedro, Roger Clemens, Greg Maddux, heck, even Glavine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.No one on the planet questions the Rocket. Nice point. I agree. Except sometimes you. Don't do it. The Rocket is the Rocket. You are RJ. But I thought Rudy Johnson was the Bengals running back? That's your problem. That's why you went to New York. And that's why you worry about coming home to Arizona - the place you love and the place that loves you. I would also worry about going somewhere that everyone loved me. Everytime I come home for Thanksgiving, I break out in a cold sweat, worrying about all the love and support I'll get there. Oh, except no one loves RJ.

Well, RJ, You're right When did Randy enter into a converstation with this writer? : It's not New York, and it's not the Big Apple. So what? The Big Apple is passé. Yeah, they dont even have those two tall buildings anymore. This is Arizona. This is the future...of prostitution, gambling and crime. This is where everyone is moving because it's a fantastic place to live. It's why you live here.

Time for an SAT analogy. New York city is to Phoenix as Eva Longoria is to ?
a. Rachel Dratch
b. RuPaul
c. Rosie O'Donnell
d. All of the above
correct answer: D

It's why you signed with Joe Garagiola Jr. and his lads to win four Cy Youngs sounds like a pedophile. Four! How many? Four?!?!?! (In case you forgot the word writted 3 words ago - we never said RJ was a Rhodes scholar) Waive that no-trade clause.Pitch two more years. Join a talented young team and go into the Hall of Fame wearing a Diamondbacks hat.

You are a winner, Randy. I love you Let everyone know winners can have a great quality of life. They don't all have to swallow the madness of New York to be considered great.And, by the way, get rid of that "Big Unit" stuff . . . Come on. Randy Johnson, RJ, Hall of Famer. I love you Sounds nice to me.How 'bout you, RJ? I love you Waive that no trade and start the second game of the season for the Diamondbacks behind fellow Cy Young winner Brandon Webb. Sound good? Let's shake. or have sex... Reach Reaves at (602) 444-8125 or joseph.reaves@arizonarepublic

This sounds like an email written by some pathetic guy begging his ex-girlfriend to come back to him, even though she used to cheat on him and ended up leaving him for the better-looking, more successful guy. And when he gets his wish, she'll probably cheat on him again...or need another back surgery.