Chris Berman

Here is another reason I love Chris Berman: he brings so much insight to fans. They did the whole two-minute drill bullshit thing today. He spent the intro giving a blowjob to Morten Andersen, recently signed by Atlanta in an attempt to bring veteran leadership to the locker room. Here is something is a list of things I would like to know about this story:

- Really? There is no one else available?
- How quickly will the holder be able to adjust to the fact that Andersen kicks lefty?
- What was he doing until now? Sitting on a swing bitching about the weather?

Here is what I learned from the two-minute drill: he is second on the all-time points list behind Gary Anderson, which is cool because they have the same last name only spelled different (thank God, I haven't been aware of this for 3-5 years, based on every graphic from every FG attempt these two try); Chris Berman met him; some douche in the 50's kicked field goals, punted, and handled kickoffs, presumably because football was not as advanced 50 years ago as it is now; and Chris Berman's mental retardation can be hidden if he has an infinite amount of takes to get it right.

On top of that, he gave his picks for this week. Why should I care? I've got fat friends who have thinning hairlines and know nothing about football. Can we put them on TV to give their picks each week? Jesus Christ, he put shots of David Ortiz into his football segment. Not only is he dumb, he's senile. It's almost October, Chris, the Home Run Derby was three months ago. Go back into hibernation. For those of you keeping score at home, here are the men Chris Berman has a mush (man-crush) on (nicknames spared for the reader's sanity):

- Brett Favre
- Tom Jackson
- Morten Andersen
- David Ortiz
- Jake Delhommer
- Mike Alstott

The sad part is, I can remember being in high school and looking forward to his nicknames for the hockey playoffs and stuff (trust me, in 1997, John "Chocolate" LeClair was good stuff). I wish I could just give up and phone in my job...