Letter to ESPN

Dear ESPN,

What did I do? Is this karma for the bad things I did in college? I don't understand. I thought we were cool. You were such a good source of information for the goings-on in the world of sports. Now you do this to me. Just straight up punishment. Let's recap...

- Chris Berman. Seriously. You allow him to be one of the prominent figures on your network despite the fact that he clearly makes no effort to better himself. Do you just assume that people relate to him because the majority of America is overweight, talks about football despite minimal knowledge of it, enjoy making puns out of people's names, and can barely get a sentence out on the first try?
- Brett Favre. You and I have had a ten-year relationship, ESPN. At what point did I send out the signals that I have any interest whatsoever in Brett Favre? He was good in It's Always Something About Mary, and the knob jobs that John Madden hands him in every game is amusing, but he's not good. If you're going to do a story on him, about how his hair greyed overnight. With all the coverage you place on him, I would expect this to be front-page website news.
- Joe Theismann, Joe Morgan, Paul Maguire, Steve Phillips, Jeff Brantley, Michael Irvin - As I said above, I did bad things in college. I didn't murder a class room full of under-priveleged babies, though. There is no need for you to stick this kind of punishment on me.
- Non-coverage of non-ESPN events. I realize you have an empire to build. But you know what I care about more than an early May Red Sox-Yankees game? The motherfucking Stanley Cup Playoffs!!! Seriously, you give more coverage to the WNBA, and those chicks can't even vote!! And a little Euro soccer coverage wouldn't kill you once in a while.

ESPN, this is not meant to end our relationship. I will still watch you. I'm just asking that you try a little more. Stop taking yourself so seriously. Hire people who know stuff. Celebrate them more. And if you don't make Peter Gammons' return to work a half hour show entitled "This is What a Television Sports Personality Should be Like" then you should probably just go to hell.