I spent some time last night in my drunkenness flushing out a screenplay that will showcase the triumphant return of Chuck Norris (who is currently most famous for his exercise infomercial with Christie Brinkley and an SNL song parody), playing a bad guy for the first (?) time in his career. He will be chased by the morally scrupulous Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, reprising Martin Lawrence's Federally premise from "Blue Streak." Here's an overview:
In the late 1970s, an evil Chuck Norris lethally hunted proponents of the Quebec seccession movement in the countryside of western Canada. His weapon of choice was a bow and arrow that featured advanced hollow arrow tip technology. These tips had been excavated from a Mayan burial site in the late 1800s and passed down through four generations of his family. He was also not above defecating on the arrow tips, paying homage to his training as a secret Canadian operative during the war in Vietnam. Through a series of flashbacks and newspaper clippings, as well as early Peter Jennings newscasts, we will learn of the legend of Norris' character and his cult status amongst diehard Canadian nationalists, as well, in a bizarre twist, separatists, who are confused by the intentions of the bold killer.
Moving ahead to current day upstate New York, a killer is on the loose. This killer also utilizes an unusual weapon of destruction, a crossbow, accurate from up to 1000 feet. These arrows mystically suck the air from the lungs of its victims immediately, rendering them powerless to fight the otherwise surmountable pain. It appears through examination of poetry/haikus left near the crime scenes that the killer is driven by an unusual paranoia that NYC/Long island is planning to secede from upstate NY.
Following the charade that was the hunting of Bucky Phillips, the state acts quickly and assigns former WWF/WWE wrestling/actor extraordinaire, Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, to capture this killer. Leveraging his advanced skills in hand to hand combat and the privilege that his freshly bestowed 'Federally' title brings, The Rock quickly works his way through a batch of corrupt Crime Scene Investigators (led by TV's David Caruso, in a "CSI:Miami from Toronto/Buffalo special"), and while holding an analyst in a death grip, uses Lexis-Nexis to determine that Norris is the killer.
The remainder of the movie will center around The Rock hunting down Norris, while foiling a Hilary Clinton/Bill Clinton led plot to have the NYC/Long Island region named the 51st state of the union. The climactic fight scene will be one of the greatest on screen fights of all time, and will include the former president of the United States, and a startling revelation regarding the death of Vernon Jordan.
