Landis/QOTD

The guy that won the Tour de France has tested positive for high levels of testosterone.

GFY Landis.

From the Village Idiot, commenting on Lance Bass' recent announcement.

'Maybe that's what Justin Timberlake means by bringing sexy back. He and his buddy Lance are going to become a "group". '

A Horse is a Horse

Over the past several years, the sports media has argued over things for no reason. People take absurdly stupid stands on topics just to keep shows like Around the Horn and PTI running. Yet, for some reason, no one in the mainstream media seems to be taking one of the most obvious stands on one of the bigger stories this week. No one is defending the jockey who head-butted the horse.

Let me preface this by stating two things: I do not condone animal cruelty/abuse in any way (unless it's a bear on a trampling), and I am not taking this stand just to go against the norm. I am taking this stand because it makes sense. I don't know if you know this about horses, but they're heavy. Like 2000 pounds-plus. The jockey got launched from the horse, and very easily could've been trampled to death. So what does he do? He admonishes the horse. If you had a dog, and he bit a guest at your house, you wouldn't smack him? If said dog peed on the rug, you wouldn't hit him with a rolled up newspaper?

As I've said, horses are large and heavy, so smacking the horse with your hand or a rolled newspaper wouldn't have too much of an impact. But head-butting him would. It's the similar to the fact that when a dog needs to be put down, they can use an injection, whereas when a horse gets put down they use a shotgun.

I'm sick and tired of PETA and all these hippy organizations taking these asinine stands and then having them permeate to mainstream media. If that man had been trampled by the horse, would there be an outcry for an apology from the horse? Of course not. But from now on, in any cases like that, I will be filing petitions to send any horses that trample people to the Alpo factory.

PETA, GFY.

Chris Mortensen at your fantasy draft?

'Come on' - GOB

Thats the first thing that comes to mind when I see/hear ads for this stupid ESPN contest. I hope ESPN disbands shortly. Chris Mortensen isn't going to help anyone win their fantasy football league. In fact, I would spend the whole draft getting drunk and screaming at him for taking to long to make a pick. I bet he drives a PT Cruiser. He didn't even go to Da U!, so how could he know anything about football?

GFY Chris Mortensen.

Shouldn't it be 'Steely Dans'

The two douche bags that are in the terribly monikored band 'Steely Dan,' must be worried about their waning popularity, because the following article has popped up as important news on cnn.com

http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Movies/07/26/people.steelydan.ap/index.html

Congratulations to their publicist for getting people to even pay attention to this. This may be some of the dumbest crap I have ever read on cnn. And it's not like I'm even a huge Owen Wilson fan. I just hate Steely Dan that much. (although the reference to Steely Dan in the SNL Saddam-Osama phone call skit is pretty funny - Saddam to Osama - 'You put out more tapes than Steely Dan puts out records.' )

Steely Dan instead should have offered Owen Wilson the 'Memorial Ben Stiller Award for Playing the Same Actor in Every Single Movie They Are In.'

In conclusion - GFY Steely Dan.

BR.

Finally...

My apologies for it taking so long for my first post on this sweet blog. I will be posting on the NFL draft and all of the "experts" and what constitutes a good draft.

In other news, our fantasy football leauge will be drafting in about 2 and a half weeks. This might be a good event for our first live blog.

Congratulations

Congrats are in order to the one and only Sports Guy, Mr. Bill Simmons, for the greatest answer ever to an online chat:


Ken (Tarzana, CA): Your're subbing for Kornheiser on PTI. Who do you want sitting next to you? Stuart Scott or Skip Bayless?

Bill Simmons: (2:04 PM ET ) How drunk am I allowed to be before I go on the air?

Nominations Being Accepted..

For our first live blogging event. I don't know a lot about blogs (as evidenced), however, from what I can tell, you aren't a real blog until you hold some live blogging events.

Currently, Ironic SS and I are supporting the live blogging of the summer Fantasy Football Meeting, or a day in the life of Br*an L*v*cch**, who is very, very busy. In fact, he is probably too busy to check this blog, so I'm not sure why we need asterisks to replace the i, o, e, i, and o (respectively). Please submit any suggestions.

The best part about Chris Berman during the home run derby was how inaccurate many of his home run calls were. Due to his seating location near homeplate, his perspective was off. So everytime a ball went in the air, he started yelling about Altoona or God knows where else in Pennsylvaina (he must have scouring a map all day), and then the ball ended up in the 4th row. Good times.

Great Success!!

It's time to kick this up a notch, as Donny Davenport has been promising for weeks. I didn't catch much of last night's Home Run Derby, but I was greatly pleased with what little I did see. It appears they are now cramming as many people as possible into these events in an effort to minimize Chris Berman's contributions.

Look, I love Boomer as much as the next guy. And by love, I mean loathe. But seriously, how many times in one night can you hear "Back, back, back" without attempting to impale yourself on a sharp object. Solid work in getting the Baseball Tonight crew more involved. And for keeping Joe Morgan around for comedic value. Comparing Ryan Howard to a BRM-er? I must admit, I did not see that one coming.

Quote of the Day

Last night at the Home Run Derby while discussing the booing of Derek Jeter by Pittsburgh fans, Karl Ravech asked Joe Morgan if the Big Red Machine was ever booed on the road. Here's Joe's response:

'No, of course not, because guys like Johnny Bench and Pete Rose were good guys.'

Betting on Baseball = good.

Old School 2!!!

That's right, we break news here. Old School 2 is in preproduction. Prepare for the Frank Ricard Freedom Fest. Tankapolooza will be epic.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0477054/

Arrested Development

Emmy nominations ere released today. And it pleases me greatly to see that Arrested Development, despite being watched by less people than will read this, and cancelled by FOX (Full of XXXX), was nominated for Best Comedy. Apparently, in a clear waste of time, they went ahead and picked some challengers for voting purposes only. It's up against Curb (thumbs up), The Office (ditto), Scrubs (yep), and Two and a Half Men (LOUD NOISES). WHAT THE ?!?!?

2.5 Morons is exemplary of everything that is wrong with television. Confused, dimwitted individuals (aka idiots with Neilsen boxes) who watch this show (like my friend Ron Flack) because they are unable to think after a 6 hour workday, are the reason timeless entertainment like Arrested Development gets banished forever, and frustrated writers/creators pass on two year cable deals with guaranteed money. If that show wins I'm going to throw a television off the roof. No seriously, I will. It will probably be the 13 inch one that can't pick up cable, but its the thought that counts.

I hate you Charlie Sheen and Ron Flack.

Did you know Will Arnett (GOB, Arrested Development) does the voice overs on the Lamisil AT nail fungus commercials? Their comedic value rises infinitely when armed with this knowledge. While attempting to find a link to the video/audio of his work, I came across the following article: http://www.usatoday.com/money/advertising/adtrack/2003-10-12-lamisil_x.htm

Apparently, between the yellow toenails, Digger the germ, and the swarmy narration, Lamisil got in a lot of trouble and pissed a lot of people off. I think I kind of like them. A lot. That's some funny stuff. If i had to write toenail commercials, I'd probably come up with something stupid too.

Back in the USA - Ramblings

Back in a first world country, its time to get things rolling again.

Non-Davenport Posters

Special accolades (sp?) to BB Joe McEwing for making a posting in my absence. By the way, the Dominican is sick, just don't fly United, those guys can go to hell. In other news, the Muffin Man promises to post soon, and a new poster, who'll we'll refer to for now as the 'Ironic Steel Salesman,' promises to debut soon. I'm sure our four loyal readers are stoked to hear about this. Ironic Steel and I also spent some time discussing potential live blogging events over horsehoes on the 4th. We may have settled on the Summer Fantasy Football Meetings for the debut event, but are open to any suggestions.

Entourage

I was convinced that the Dom character the last two weeks was the same guy from MTV's true life: I love the Jersey Shore. Here's a good clip of the guy in action on 'True Life' which you have probably seen before http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1Bhr1-d9do&search=cheeseball%20incident

Tell me that isn't the same guy?!?! But after researching IMDB.com, I might be wrong.

If you ever get the chance to see the whole episode on MTV it is incredible.

All Star Selections

Came out a few days ago. Ozzie Guillen continues to hit the rock. Hard. I didn't realize they paid manager's enough to support such a ridiculous habit. Firejoemorgan.blogspot.com has some good commentary on Ozzie's obsession with Joe Crede making the team. Which, as they correctly point out, is completely assinine.

Congratulations to Reyes/Wright for making their first appearance. Reyes has been out of control the last few weeks, finally getting his OBP up to a decent level. And unlike Mark Redman, they'll have some incentive to win the game.

Ozzie v. Mariotti

See above. Ozzie needs Betty Ford for his issues like I need Burger King for mine. Which is very much.

Rum

In the Dominican, they call rum, 'Ron.' Which is a good time. You order the drink and they ask you, 'Ron?' And the answer is always, 'SI!!!'

The Mets

Are trying their darnedest to piss away their 12 game lead, and yet, they still have the best record in the NL by about 3 games. Its getting somewhat ridiculous.

However, this is a team that desparately needs to shake up the pitching. Despite having nothing besides a fastball, I think Pelfrey is going to be the answer. It's only a matter of time. Mid season probably isn't a good time to move Heilman to the rotation, but I think that may be one of their best options. Who knows what Bannister can supply once he's ready in a few weeks. He was three well-timed hits away from his sub 3 ERA blowing up to 6+.

Blue Streak

Is an absolutely tremendous film. We need to start a movement to get Blue Streak 2 greenlighted. Maybe Chapelle can come back in a more expanded, deep role. I think whoever funded Big Momma's House 2 was confused, and thought they were actually funding Blue Streak 2.

I think Mr. James Lipton (Arrested Development) needs to have Martin Lawrence on Inside the Actor's Studio so he can talk about what a tremendous accomplishment of American cinema that film was. That may assist in bringing some fresh exposure to that movie.