Fantasy Baseball Finals

Wow, I've never been less excited in my life to be in the finals of a fantasy league with a decent chance of winning. As Steel and myself head into week 2 of our marathon baseball final we're still locked up in a 6-6 tie, and I could honestly care less who wins. I am excited however to see that the Dodgers are somehow beating the Rockies 19-11 and J. Loney has put up 9 RBIs. Unfortunately Steel left Chad Billingsley on the bench and did not have to endure his 6 ERs over 2.2 innings today. Not cool.

Chris Berman

Here is another reason I love Chris Berman: he brings so much insight to fans. They did the whole two-minute drill bullshit thing today. He spent the intro giving a blowjob to Morten Andersen, recently signed by Atlanta in an attempt to bring veteran leadership to the locker room. Here is something is a list of things I would like to know about this story:

- Really? There is no one else available?
- How quickly will the holder be able to adjust to the fact that Andersen kicks lefty?
- What was he doing until now? Sitting on a swing bitching about the weather?

Here is what I learned from the two-minute drill: he is second on the all-time points list behind Gary Anderson, which is cool because they have the same last name only spelled different (thank God, I haven't been aware of this for 3-5 years, based on every graphic from every FG attempt these two try); Chris Berman met him; some douche in the 50's kicked field goals, punted, and handled kickoffs, presumably because football was not as advanced 50 years ago as it is now; and Chris Berman's mental retardation can be hidden if he has an infinite amount of takes to get it right.

On top of that, he gave his picks for this week. Why should I care? I've got fat friends who have thinning hairlines and know nothing about football. Can we put them on TV to give their picks each week? Jesus Christ, he put shots of David Ortiz into his football segment. Not only is he dumb, he's senile. It's almost October, Chris, the Home Run Derby was three months ago. Go back into hibernation. For those of you keeping score at home, here are the men Chris Berman has a mush (man-crush) on (nicknames spared for the reader's sanity):

- Brett Favre
- Tom Jackson
- Morten Andersen
- David Ortiz
- Jake Delhommer
- Mike Alstott

The sad part is, I can remember being in high school and looking forward to his nicknames for the hockey playoffs and stuff (trust me, in 1997, John "Chocolate" LeClair was good stuff). I wish I could just give up and phone in my job...

Week 2

Well, I went 3-2 again this week in football picks. Unfortunately, one of the losses was my game against Donny. I faltered on some key roster decisions, starting Crumpler instead of LJ smith and Lamont Jordan instead of Joe Addai, costing me 25 points. Guess I'm back to making poor decisions just like last year.

I wont be posting as much over the next 3.5 weeks due to an increase in doctoring committments. But good luck to Donny and Steel in their battle for Fantasy Baseball superiority.

Welcome back Peter Gammons.

ESPN may be okay to watch for 5 minutes tomorrow.

Peter Gammons will apparently be appearing on the 6 pm Sportscenter and 7 pm Baseball Tonight. Jeff Brantley will now be taken out back and shot.

Announcers/Commentators

I agree wholeheartedly with Steel's earlier comments. However, I do believe he deserves it. He's a terrible human being. Not really, but I can't help but notice that a lot of the outpouring of ESPN-hate coincides with American Institution Peter Gammons being out due to sickness. I think he was the last decent professional holding ESPN together, and with him being out, they've lost all semblence of reasonableness and intelligence. For case in point, just look at his replacement committee- Steve Phillips, John Kruk, and Jeff Brantley. Ugh.

But lost in this ESPN hub bub, is an even worst travesty of the American Media. So glaring is this ridiculousness, that it may actually support the argument that the NFL is rigged and no one talks because they all get cushy jobs after retirement. This person? Shannon Sharpe. Not only is he unable to pronounce words, be articulate, or string together words into sentences, he's got a face for radio (see Deion Sander's famous 'horse faced' commentary for further explanation). Earlier today, announcing BJ Sams 70+ yard kick return, here's what he had to say:

(talking excitedly, voice rising) 'BJ Sams breaks to the sideline! He could go all the way!' ( after watching another 40+ yards of the runback in silence, he states very quietly) 'He is tackled' end highlight.

Anyone that makes me pine for shitty Chris Berman commentary, should be put out to pasture immediately (haha, no pun intended). GFY Shannon Sharpe.

Big Fantasy Sports Day

In Fantasy Baseball, two teams will end their season just a few hours from now, and at this point, we have no idea who they may be. Both semifinal matchups are too close to call at this point. Steel and Sandy are locked in a back and forth battle, so tight that a previously 6-6 match up, just moved to a 5-5 tie in the last few minutes. Meanwhile, it would appear that WIC has locked up as many as 6 categories (RBI, SB, Avg, OPS, Saves, and Losses), however a late slump could be putting Avg and OPS back up for grabs. Mr and Mrs TAD will need a big start from Carlos Zambrano to regain the lead in WHIP, as well as a comeback on runs to push a tie. It remains unclear at this point what happens if there is a tie, but I'm sure it is not pleasant.

In football, it looks like most of the league is off to a slow start, except of course for everyone's favorite hammer weilding Italian- Chef Boyardee. Boyardee is getting a huge day from the good Manning, and has opened up a huge lead on TAD. Could be a rough day for the TAD family franchise, I hope they are enjoying their scenic trip throughout wine country.

Erstwhile, in real sports, its a great day to own a television. Between the NFL and a potential clinching games for the Mets, theres a lot going on. Hopefully the Mets snap out of it, and put this thing on ice, although it would be cool to see them clinch at home on Monday.

Letter to ESPN

Dear ESPN,

What did I do? Is this karma for the bad things I did in college? I don't understand. I thought we were cool. You were such a good source of information for the goings-on in the world of sports. Now you do this to me. Just straight up punishment. Let's recap...

- Chris Berman. Seriously. You allow him to be one of the prominent figures on your network despite the fact that he clearly makes no effort to better himself. Do you just assume that people relate to him because the majority of America is overweight, talks about football despite minimal knowledge of it, enjoy making puns out of people's names, and can barely get a sentence out on the first try?
- Brett Favre. You and I have had a ten-year relationship, ESPN. At what point did I send out the signals that I have any interest whatsoever in Brett Favre? He was good in It's Always Something About Mary, and the knob jobs that John Madden hands him in every game is amusing, but he's not good. If you're going to do a story on him, about how his hair greyed overnight. With all the coverage you place on him, I would expect this to be front-page website news.
- Joe Theismann, Joe Morgan, Paul Maguire, Steve Phillips, Jeff Brantley, Michael Irvin - As I said above, I did bad things in college. I didn't murder a class room full of under-priveleged babies, though. There is no need for you to stick this kind of punishment on me.
- Non-coverage of non-ESPN events. I realize you have an empire to build. But you know what I care about more than an early May Red Sox-Yankees game? The motherfucking Stanley Cup Playoffs!!! Seriously, you give more coverage to the WNBA, and those chicks can't even vote!! And a little Euro soccer coverage wouldn't kill you once in a while.

ESPN, this is not meant to end our relationship. I will still watch you. I'm just asking that you try a little more. Stop taking yourself so seriously. Hire people who know stuff. Celebrate them more. And if you don't make Peter Gammons' return to work a half hour show entitled "This is What a Television Sports Personality Should be Like" then you should probably just go to hell.

Suck it, Donny

Last night was TAD's wedding. A good time was had by all, especially DoT, who was kind enough to take a couple of shots with me. Perhaps the most upsetting part of the night was when Donny made fun of my team for having their season be over. At the time, I was losing my playoff match to Single Andy 9-2. Today? 8-4, Steel. All categories still close, I will probably lose, but if I win, it would likely set up a two week matchup of Donnie-Steel for the playoff title, and right to pick first.

Two weeks ago, my team looked like a potential dynasty, as I have Ryan Howard, Jason Bay, Chase Utley, Francisco Liriano, Jon Papelbon, and Noah Lowry as keepers for rounds 7, 13, 14, 15, 21, and 22. Papelbon and Liriano are killing me with their injuries.

Also, Donnie reiterated that we would have free blog happy hours if this thing takes off. So tell your friends, I promise sooner or later we will stop blogging about our fantasy leagues and discussing important world topics. Example: Shouldn't Josh Beckett not be allowed to have facial hair unless he is pitching well?

Football picks

Alright, last week I went 3-2, with one of the two losses not being me! I already have a third of my win total from last year, and hope to go 2 for 2. Before we get to the picks, I want to rant...

I watched a little bit (read 6 hours a day) of fantasy coverage online or on TV each day before the season started, and one thing kept happening: Grown men were referring to other grown men as 'studs'. Not just once, but in numerous articles and fantasy TV shows. Such as "Shawn Alexander is a stud running back". No, hes a good football player, GFY. Also, while we are at it, I am so sick of these shows telling me "Take two top 10 RBs with your first two picks, then get a top 3 WR". Oh really? How about in round four I get a top 2 QB, then a top 3 TE in round 5? Then, Ill add in another top 10 WR and top 15 RB in the next two rounds. So what you are saying is, to make a team of all awesome players. Gee...thanks for the help.

Anyway, back to the stud problem. I feel there are only two instances when a man should use the term 'stud': first, when referring to poker, although everyone plays Hold Em these days. Second, in a situation such as:
Friend 1: Hey did you hear (insert horse name here) isnt going to race in the kentucky derby this year?
Friend 2: Yeah, I heard they were going to put him out to stud.
Friend 1: Man, I wish that could be my life...just eating and f---ing. Sweet...

Anyway, on to the picks:

Muffin vs. Donny
Donny still facing some uncertainty at RB and my players facing some tough defenses. I'll give it to myself again (I doubt I'll pick against myself all year)
Pick: Muffin

Commish vs. Steel
Commish had disappointing outings from his 3 RBs last week. Steel avoided a loss to Italy. Should be a close matchup of 1-0 teams. Ill take Steel in a close one, as it looks like his guys are facing easier defenses. By the way, I must say that I am excited that more and more people are creating avatars
Pick: Steel

Big Bro vs. Lawnmower man
Battle of the two phone-in drafters. Both teams have their guys taking on easy defenses, so Ill give this one to lawnmower by a few points thanks to a big day by LT. Oh yeah, I watched MNF last week, and Jaws said "Thats what they want to do, limit Philip Rivers to 20-22 passes a game and make sure he doesnt hurt the team". Thats a fine statement, except he said it while staring at Rivers' stats late in the fourth quarter...8 passes, ELEVEN attempts! Now, I may not be good at math, but 11 is not between 20-22. Jaws you are a fuck-tard! GFY.
Pick: Lawnmower

TAD vs. Italy
Expect a bounceback week for TAD, even if he is distracted by wedding activity.
Pick: TAD

Single Andy vs. Brown Guy
Brown is a machine right now, picking up where he left off, as he got the most points last week. I picked against Single Andy last week, who scored the second most points. Should be close, but I dont think Frank Gore can get 30 points again.
Pick: Brown
ps. Someone needs to beat his team or he may run away with it.

Ill review the picks next week.
Season: 3-2

Team names

Gentlemen, I'm joining another fantasy football league this season. It's run by a teacher that works with TW. I'll be playing with her coworkers and a few of their friends. No money or anything, just for bragging rights. I've been sitting here trying to come up with a non-offensive yet satisfying team name but I am coming up short. Somehow, I don't think that it's appropriate to keep the "Moose Knuckles" franchise going in that setting...any suggestions?

Aaron Brooks sucks so bad, why is he on my team?

That is a quesiton which I cannot answer, but he will not be dropped yet.

I was sadly disappointed on Sunday morning when I got up, excited as a kid on Christmas morning, only to discover that MoC's (mom of commish) computer was purchased in 1984 so I could not get anything to load up, thus all my thoughts were wasted as I was unable to blog. Plus my mind turned to mush after watching the Bills lose a terrible game and Eli lose to Big Bro in the nightcap.

I feel slightly cheated after this opening weekend. I was so excited to watch the games that I get rewarded with what, a terrible SU loss, a crappy Bills game and an infurating loss by Big Blue to the Colts (who, btw are in serious need of a running game in order to make a run at the SB)

I was, however, very excited to see that the NBC coverage was more than adequate. I'm a huge Costas fan and, for some unknown reason, am an even bigger Sterling Sharpe fan. Thus, I was delighted to find out that I can watch recaps of the games every Sunday at 7 without having to listen to Boomer make those annoying spitting noises each time Mike Alstott carries the ball and, even better, don't have to listen to him utter the phrase, "circle the wagons" 18 times.
Also, they recapped the Green Bay game and then moved on, total of about 3 minutes, unlike the 32 that ESPN spent on it. (Favre sucks, GFY ESPN!)

Who the hell decideds to dress up like Darth Vader before going out to a football game?
Could you imagine standing on the sidewalk in your best dead pirate costume while waiting for your buddies to pick you up for a Raiders game? At that point do you feel somewhat selfconscience? No, because you're trash? OK, good enough for me.


FBB, seeing that I, like Muffin, went 0-2 this past week I will now attempt to predict this weeks winners and therbye doom the teams that are picked...Single Andy over ISS just because it would truely be ironic for Steel to have such an amazing week last week while playing nobody and then lose to SA. WIC wins 6-5, only after tying one of the pitching categories and thus pulling out the victory after winning every offensive category.

Any love for the Conselation Bracket? No? Ok...


Anyone see Big Poppa on national tv w/ The Lawnmower Man? It was quite humorous

Big week next week in FFB, as team DD takes on team Muffin and team ISS takes on team Commish...should be interesting pregame smack talk.

Any thoughts on what Branch will do in Seattle?

Tony, Tony, Tony!

We are almost to halftime, and here are some of the highlights from Tony Kornheiser on Monday Night Football:

- Joe Theismann made a comment about Clinton Portis needing to know where he is, Tony replied, "If he doesn't know that he's on the football field, then I think we all have a reason for concern."
- After Theismann rambled about the importance of batting down footballs, Kornheiser jokingly said, "If batting down balls are that important, they should probably just sign a couple of 7' 5" guys to play and challenge the quarterback to throw over them." Theismann did not get the joke, and said something about those guys not being able to move, Tony said, "So get a giraffe out there, you're telling me someone can accurately throw over a giraffe?!?"
- After Theismann and Tirico raved over a Santana Moss catch, Tony said, "That's my man, he's on my fantasy team! I tried to pick people who played Monday night games so I had a reason to stay up." They asked if he was really going to talk about that on the air, and he said, "I sure am, I hope it doesn't bore you."
- He also recommended that Tom Cruise and Daniel Snyder get together to make amusement park rides for Six Flags - a Mission Impossible ride, a Top Gun ride, but not a Rain Man ride because, "It would go to slow."
- Mailbag question, "Now that Greg Williams and Al Saunders are with the team, what exactly does Joe Gibbs do?" Tony's response, "This is the problem, he's not really sure. I'm trying to work something out to get him to drive my bus." Theismann rabbles.

He seems to be picking his spots, going long stretches without saying anything. This is not a bad thing. Theismann should try this. I can literally hear him getting ready to talk every time Tirico calls a play. I really think that Tony's new goal is to piss off Theismann so much that he quits by Week 5. Or at least, it should be.

Lower case t

Equals time to blog. Well, I went a solid 0-2 on my baseball predictions. Sadly, my team just couldnt pull it together. The pitching let me down the most, even though Santana went 2-0 with like a 0.50 era and 0.80 whip, with 24 Ks. Aside from earing $0 this year (compared to $340 last year), I am torn and can only keep 2 of the 3 (santana, soriano and hafner). I have to give Single Andy some credit. After a rough 2005 fantasy season (baseball and football), hes in the baseball semifinals and just put up one of the top football scores this week - I'll assess my week one predictions tomorrow. Also, Independent Joe somehow blew a 9-2 saturday AM lead and took the loss 6-5. It looks like his benching of Brandon Webb, and his CG 1 H shutout may have cost him.

For the semi finals, we have Single Andy facing Ironic Steel. This is Steel's match to loose. His offense is clicking on all cylinders right now (with the insane RyHo) and his pitching does enough to get him by. Single Andy has a solid offense and pitching staff as well. I think the difference here will be the fact that Single Andy only has a few SPs, and one bad outing could ruin him. It will be close, but I see ISS taking this one 7-5.

Also, TAD takes on Donny. I didnt give TAD a chance last week, and he proved me wrong. I expect Donny to direct all his anger from losing his first round fantasy football pick to injury, and take this one 6-5.

Bottom line, I'm already 0-2, so what the heck do I know? Thats right, nothing.

The End

We're heading to the bar, which means the liveblogging event will be coming to an end. Additionally, we're only a few hours away from my fantasy of being a 22 year old again coming to an end... GER NAW!!! Two NFL games tomorrow beginning at 4 PM PST means we'll be hitting the barley and hops hard again. God, the west coast is sweet. Except for the fact there ain't shit to watch on TV after 8 pm. Oh well, life's tough, right Lavar?

WIC Internet Connection

Is causing severe trouble out here. We've powered through the remainders of the 30 pack, as well as some Little Caesar's. Huge third down right now for the Colts, and they get stuffed. Here comes Vinatieri to take it up to 5 points. Kick is good, should be a nice finish. I'll leave it up to Steel to make humorous insights, as I am too tired/drunk to come up with anything remotely entertaining.

What the f is powergenitalia.com? I'm afraid to go to it.

Manning v. Manning

I'm not going to lie, I have spent the past several hours avoiding the Sunday night game. Allow me to give you a few reasons why:

- John Madden
- The Mannings, especially Mrs. Manning, the oldest brother (arguably the most successful NFL QB), and those goddam commercials they have. Is Peyton Manning married? Does he have kids? They parade the rest of that goddam family around, I can't believe he hasn't done an ad for Huggies up to his elbows in baby shit.
- All Giants fans, who for the past five months have been telling me why the Giants are the greatest team in the history of the NFL.
- It gives me one less thing to talk to my co-workers about tomorrow
- Football on NBC still feels wrong. I don't handle change well.

So, to recap the evening television schedule:
1) The Simpsons is running out of ideas/repeating itself too much (yet I still watch every week expecting it to change)
2) American Dad is still not funny
3) The Family Guy tries WAY too hard, but still manages to get me to laugh out loud 2-3 times per episode
4) I think I have finally kicked The War at Home -- now I know how meth addicts feel
5) Jessica Alba is a horrible actor and The Fantastic Four was a rancid movie. Thank you, HBO, for playing it 90 times over the next 3 weeks, because now I am going to watch it every time.

The Live Blog Marches On

This may be the longest successful running live blog in the history of CTY. We're going on 7 hours. Special thanks to Steel for his wildly amusing posts. Manning vs. Manning is about to give Al 'Dickweed' Michaels and John 'Shithead' Madden an unprecedented opportunity to kiss the ass of Archie Manning for 3.45 hours!! NBC is pumped!!! I'm surprised they are not simulcasting this on MSNBC with footage of all of Archie Manning's crappy performances for the Saints.

Meanwhile, we've just received news that a planned meeting with fellow coworkers for dinner has been postponed to 8 pm. Which is like practically midnight in the real word. This is going to be a debacle.

Lavar Arrington just introduced himself as 'Mr. Nickles (sp?), School of Hard Knocks.' Wah wah. I went to college for free, got a big ass contract as a rookie, and then acted like a lazy shit head for 5 years. Life's such a bitch, Lavar. GFY Lavar Arrington.

GFY FOX

A big FU to Fox. The Cowboys game just ended and Joe Buck reported 'We're going to go to a commercial, come back for a wrapup and then send you off to Arizona for the last two minutes.'

WHY THE F do I need a commercial and then some more horseshit from Joe Buck!?!?!!?!? Send me to the F-ING MOST ENTERTAINING GAME OF THE DAY! GFY FOX. I hate you.

That Joe Morgan post was BIC, ISS. I feel like the FOX network is turning me into Joe Morgan by not allowing me to watch games. Maybe this is what happens to Joe. F*CK!

Antonio Bryant just called for a stupid taunting penalty. These officials suck.

Excellent strategy by the Niners here kicking the FG here and then going for the onsides kick. This is phenomenal coaching, instead of burning out the last 30 seconds chucking to the end zone down 10 points, you at least give yourself a chance to convert an onsider and then heave it. BIC. But still, GFY FOX.

More Buck

Joe Buck just said that the Dallas defense needs to stiffen up. I can't believe they allow that on TV. It's an outrage.

Color Commentators

I think networks should be required to have like 50 commentators for each sport. Especially ESPN. If they insist on covering sports 24 hours a day on ten stations, they need to give me more voices. I was so fed up with Joe buck, I flipped to ESPN for Baseball Tonight. Fortunately, I fell asleep and had a wonderful dream where John Kruk choked to death on a Krispy Kreme doughnut.

When asked what the loss of John Kruk would do to ESPN's baseball coverage, Joe Morgan replied, "It's a big loss. I can't really say much about John Kruk, because I haven't really seen him this year. But the guys at Baseball Tonight report the right way. So they'll be all right. It's a huge loss and is going to be very difficult to overcome. I'm not sure that they'll be able to deal with the loss of such a valuable member of their team."

Meager slate of late games

Still providing lots of entertainment. Jags-Cowboys is wildly entertaining as is our pursuit to finish the 30 pack today, which is looking good at this point (for full disclosure we drank 3 of them last night). Drew Bledsoe throwing a completely shocking interception that has changed momentum. Too bad, the Niners-Cards game isn't on as well, as they've been racing up and down the field scoring fantasy points for a wide range of team owners (specifically Single Andy who I am faced off against this week). Wow, some dude named Bergen just scored a TD for Arizona.

Did everyone hear how the Pink Taco restaurant chain got denied in their bid for naming rights in Arizona? That's too bad.

Tomfoolery on Blogspot.com

Check this out. Apparently the morons over at this Philadelphia blog are unaware that CTY's own Ironic Steel Salesmen has already nicknamed Ryan Howard, RyHo. They're running a poll to select a nickname, none of which are any good, and none of which are remotely close to his real nickname. GFY, Earlyword.blogspot.com.

http://earlyword.blogspot.com/2006/09/ryan-howard-nickname-poll-round-2.html

Joe B*ck

Is an ass. We just learned from dear old Joe that Byron Leftwich's favorite musician is Lil Wayne. I'm surprised he didn't apologize for bringing Lil Wayne into our homes.

Steel should have live blogged his event at Sears, sounds like a nice little Sunday. I'm shocked they're even open on weekends. It's gotta be hard working fleecing honest hardworking Americans, 5 days a week, let alone 7. GFY Sears.

Football/Baseball Thoughts

Sorry to have missed most of the live blogging today, which appears to have already been scrapped. Let me tell you, there is no place I would rather spend my opening NFL Sunday than yelling at a AAA rep at Sears because the Sears associate mistakenly told you the tow truck fucked up your car. Awesome.

First off, on the baseball playoffs, can I tell you how awesome it is to have your team hit 14 home runs on your bye week for the playoffs? Answer: Yes I can. It is super-awesome. So awesome it makes me want to jump out the goddam window.

I would like to thank Fox for giving ESPN a run for their money as "most aggravating sports coverage." ESPN was really pulling away there for a while, fortunately Fox has come storming back. I'm glad to see they allowed James Brown to bring his trademarked "...runs it back for paydirt" to CBS. Here's hoping he doesn't accidentally plug House in his opening week.

For the last few years, all I could think while watching Fox football coverage is, "They need more Joe Buck. I'm just not getting enough of his pretentious ass." Fortunately, the Fox gods have granted my wish. I can't wait to hear him tell me how Terrell Owens isn't that bad of a team mate. Which, you know, he totally knows about considering that he has played with TO. He hasn't? Well, I mean, he can relate as a former professional football player? Really? Well, a professional athlete, right? You don't say! Just had a famous broadcasting dad and despite terrible announcing is the lead play-by-play man for Fox? That's terrific. I feel cheated in the parents department.

Nearing Halftime

Breakfast interrupted our drinking so we're off to a slow start. I forgot how much I missed staring at Stattracker all day on Sundays. My boy Jamal Lewis has scored and Andre Johnson (starting over Hines Ward) has put up some numbers. Time to step the drinking up to the next level.

PASTA!

Details are sketchy, but it appears Lawrence Maroney just fumbled the opening kickoff. Can someone on the East Coast please update? Aw crap, I just checked and Pasta isn't even starting him today. Geez. This is ridiculous.

Fantasy Starters

A Deuce on Your Head just made a late switch, putting Dominic Rhodes in for Wali Lundy. Could backfire. Other big decisions- Brees (against Cleveland) over Trent Green (Cincy). The remainder of the roster is Anquan Boldin, Andre Johnson, Tiki (the franchise), Chris Cooley and Jamal Lewis. It's going to be a long day. Plus my kicker is questionable (Vinatieri), but according to Yahoo, the Colts don't even know the phone numbers of any other kickers, so its The Beard for better or worse (I wonder if he'll still have that if he's playing indoors). In retrospect, I should have pulled a Lovecchio and picked Neil Rackers in the 5th round of the draft, as he'll probably put up 19 points today.

In baseball, it looks like I might get Indie Joe next week. I'd much rather be facing the banged up Muffers. Bye weeks are sweet ass. I bet Steel is very angry that RyHO and Chutley are wasting all the good hits this week

West Coast Offensive

Muffin- I have the solution to your troubles. Today, Donny Davenport and Joe McEwing will be liveblogging (ALERT: LIVE BLOG!!! WHOOOOOOOO) from Joe Mac's new apartment in San Diego. And guess what time the game's start? 10 AM!! With a 30 pack of Coors Light in the fridge its all systems go. I have just awoken and its 34 minutes to game time, just enough time to hammer out a welcome post, eat some breakfast, and get things kicked off.

First I'd like to comment a little bit on the college football. Ohio State looks sick, going into Texas and delivering a beatdown. ND rebounded to put some points up after their near debacle at Ga Tech. These two teams could be a on a collision course to Tempe, as I don't see USC having the guns this year to make another run at it.

Syracuse meanwhile put on a performance of epic embarassment. After miraculously hanging in there, getting some gratuitous calls to kick a FG at the end of regulation, they totally choked at game end. That fat sloppy bastard Patterson should be able to fall over and score from the 1. A lot of good losing 30 pounds in the off season did him. Due to the West Coast ABC game, I only saw OT of the SU game, but I can't imagine the rest of it was any better.

It seems kind of like a waste to spend a perfectly nice day in San Diego in doors watching football, but sometimes these are the sacrifices you need to make to deliver a quality product to your 6 loyal readers. As always, feel free to post a comment, or not..

My head is going to explode

Its the first week of fantasy football and the last day of the first round of fantasy baseball playoffs. My team got hit with injuries, with Clemens and Mussina both missing their starts, stupid Izzy probably out for the rest of the year and Hafner now done for the year with a broken hand. Its ok, I guess I didnt need my best offensive player anyway... Despite this, Single Andy and I are locked in a 6-6 battle. The potential categories I could take over are Wins (currently 2-1) and WHIP (1.12 to 1.05). He could retake HRs (8-7) and Avg and OPS. Should be a battle. We each have two pitchers going today, with Santana directly battling his DET pitcher.

I cant handle all of the pre-game football shit. Seriously, they need to have one game that starts at 1130 or noon each week so I dont have have to listen to those ESPN assholes blab on and on about shit I dont care about. No matter how drunk I can get on saturday, I still wake up at 9 am and have to endure 4 hours of pre-game. Argh.

Prediction of the Day: Bills 24, Patriots 17. Write that down (on a piece of toilet paper, then wipe your ass with it because there is no way they bills will win...or is there...)

More rantings continued

I want to elaborate on the Muffin's recent post. First of all, good points in many regards. However, for anyone who doesn't comprehend the anger that these times of plays cause let me try to elaborate.

It's not that we're angry that Heath Miller scored a TD, or even the fact that it was an 87 TD. (even though I have A. Gates and HE won't even score a 50+ yd TD this year). What's infurating is the fact that B'lo drafted him in the 6th ROUND!!!!!!!!! He was the 5th TE taken overall. I mean, when you're sitting there in the 6th round and there have been 4 other TE's taken, why the f#ck would you draft Heath frigging Miller? Answer: YOU WOULDN"T!!!

But, this is the kind of stuff that happens all the time. He makes a terrible draft pick that should hurt his team and then some bonehead play happens and he gets bailed out. That is the truest definition of the term, "to pull a lovecchio". It should now say in Websters, "see Heath Miller catch, 9/7/06"

Also, what's even more aggrivating is the only reason he drafted him as a TE is b/c he had him in the Playoff FFB last year. Anyone remember that draft? Hmmmmm?? I do, and I distinctly remember B'lo saying, (exact quote here) "I'll take the TE from the Steelers...I don't know his name" To which I replied, "It's Heath Miller" and he goes, "Yeah, I'll take Heath Miller"



and it's only the first week fellas...

Here's your sign...

For our faithful readers, you may remember me blogging about the definition of 'to pull a lovecchio'. Well, last night, it happened. While peacefully enjoying the game, as Ronnie Brown had scored 2 TDs and Fast Willie was running up the yardage, it happened: An innocent pass was tossed to the right side by Charlie Batch, and somehow the receiver caught it in stride and broke through the secondary. As he was running, I yelled out "that cant be Heath Miller?!?!", knowing full well that it had to be him. Sure enough, the tight end somehow lumbered his way EIGHTY-SEVEN YARDS for a "touchdown" - I wont even get into the Stupid Saban play, but that just adds fuel to the fire.

This is evidence that the Hammer lover will once again, kick my ass this fantasy football season, even though my team is way better (in theory).

Now, I'm not upset that Miller scored a TD. Thats not the point. Thats what a lot of tight ends are used for, however, these TDs normally occur in SHORT YARDAGE situations. But, Pasta 'pulled a lovecchio' and somehow got an 87-yard TD.

I am willing to wager that the top 10 fantasy WRs this year: Steve Smith, Chad Johnson, Torry Holt, TO, Marvin Harrison, Boldin, Larry Fitzgerald, Randy Moss, Santana Moss and Chris Chambers will NOT have a TD reception greater than 87 yards all year. I'd even bet that NO ONE in the NFL will have a TD catch longer than that all year. Yet, Pasta accompished it with the 10th best TE in the league in the first week of the season against Steel. And to make it worse, Dumb ass Saban didn't get the challenge in. Unbelievable.......

Reyes/Foosball

Since this is a pro-Mets blog, I guess it's time to post some stuff on them.

I spent last night flipping between the Mets beatdown of the NL West-leading Dodgers and the Steelers-Dolphins. By far, the most exciting play in either game was Reyes three run inside the parker, which I was fortunate enough to see live. He was jogging around first before turning it on and still made it without a throw. Wildly entertaining. He's now up to 74 RBIs which is pretty remarkable given some of the slop the Mets have had batting at the bottom of the lineup at times this year. Chris Woodward, Kazuo Matsui?

Meanwhile, the football game was rather uneventful until the fourth quarter. Special thanks to Heath Miller for continuing to make Lovecchio lucky in all the areas that don't count. I believe Dr. Muffin (aka Muffin Man, not to be confused with George 'Muffin Man' Bluth from Arrested Development) will have a full analysis of this situation later. Then he'll FedEx you a package of poisonous muffins for not reading his post. I of course left Hines Ward on the bench in Fantasy, where he'll do me a lot of good when Andre Johnson puts up 3 catches for 17 yards on Sunday, but my team isn't going anywhere anyway. Three straight years out of the football playoffs will be in a bit of a hit to the WIC/Deuce franchise, but we'll come back with some new sponsors next year.

And while I have an audience, how sick is RyHO? It'll be interesting to see how the media addresses this situation as he zeroes in on 61 HRs. In my opinion, assuming he doesn't fail any future drug tests, he'd be the single season record holder. Bonds, Sosa, and McGwire can't be wiped from our memories fast enough. Feel free to post comments on this thought, or not.

Some Thoughts on DOT

I'd like to share a few thoughts on DOT (Dad of TAD (Tall Angry Drunk)). His performance at TAD's bachelor party (see previous live blogging entries) was nothing short of remarkable. Besides managing to hang all day and drink at a ferocious pace for someone his age, he also partook in much belligerency (that's a new word I made up), engaging in arguments with multiple bouncers and 'employees' of the 'Club.' And that was just the portion of the evening I was able to witness before collapsing in a heap on the limo bus (resulting in a bad back that is still hurting 4 days later- Dr. Muffin is going to have to write a prescription). I'm assuming he was also the financial source of a full days boozing (including multiple 1/8th kegs, and many many 30 packs). So, in parting from our running GFY series, I give a big DGFY to TOD, as in Don't GFY.

FBB Playoffs

Talk about fucking timing. There injuries (of varying severity) to the following pitchers of mine: Noah Lowry, Chad Billingsley, Francisco Liriano, and Jon Papelbon. Papelbon's is my favorite, as it is being called a "transient subluxation event". I'm not sure what kind of event that is, but I'm hoping it's more of a Woodstock event than a Burning Man event, and that he will be up and running when my playoffs begin next week.

The playoff matchups this week are difficult to get a read on. Primarily because I've been trying to detox from fantasy sports for a week, after an agonizing stretch run for first. All I will say is that I'm rooting for Independent Joe and Muffin Patch to win. This is due to the fact that draft position is dependent on playoff finish, and if I lose next week, I would rather that people who have Vlad and Soriano finish ahead of me rather than Abreu and Pedro.

Welcome and FFB Predictions

Welcome to the Blog, Mr. Commish (although, I am also a commish). It will be good to have another voice on this site. I think its interesting that on a blog entitled 'contract the yankees', 3 of the main bloggers are Yankees fans. The universe never ceases to amaze me.

For my first round baseball matchup, I'm off to a good start in pitching, but my offense decided to take a day off and go 4-30. I'll need to rebound offensively to have a shot.

I figued I'd preview the first week fantasy football matchups for those of you betting at home. Here we go...

Muffin v. Lawnmower Man
Its Fast Willie, Ronnie Brown and Lamont "my head is bigger than Barry Bonds" Jordan vs. LT, Deuce "yes, I still play for this team even though we drafted Reggie Bush" McAlister and Carnell Williams. This match will come down to Monday night, when the Raiders battle the Chargers. After an aweful year last year, I have built my team back up to respectability. I'm predicting a close one, and I'll give myself the benefit of the doubt (of course), hoping that Lawnmower's wasting of a 2nd rounder on Matt Hasselbeck will come back to haunt him. Pick: Muffin

The Commish vs. Big Bro
Fantasy Football is won and lost with the RBs. Commish starts out with LJ, and adds Willis and Reuben "Don't call me Studdard" Droughns. Big Bro has Westbrook, Corey Dillon and DeAngelo Williams. On the surface, it looks like a runaway for the Commish. But some favorable matchups for some of Big Bro's RBs, could keep it close, but not close enough. Pick: Commish

Ironic Steel vs. Hammer Time
Even though he drafted all back-up RBs, Hammer is throwing out 2 starting RBs this week, in Thomas Jones and Kevan Barlow (although this is questionable). Interesting dynamic here, with IS having Carson Palmer and Hammer having Chad Johnson. Not sure who the advantage goes to here, but Hammer is already at a disadvantage with his RB situation. Is is starting Chris Brown over Chester Taylor, presumably because Brown faces the Jets. Better to make use of his starts now, before he's hurt. Even though Hammer will somehow finish 5 spots ahead of me in the standings, he wont win this week. Pick: Steel

Single Andy vs. Donny
This could be one of those matches that sparks the post "this is crap, my team scored 120 points and lost, but Single Andy scored 85 points and won". Both teams are armed with solid WRs in burres/l-fitz vs. boldin/hines ward. Donny has already lost first round pick Domanick Davis for the year, and Hines ward is complaining of a hurt hammy. This one will be close, and I see the difference being which player has the bigger day, Tiki (for Donny) or Reggie Bush (for SA). Bush has a better matchup against cleveland, but I'll take the track record of Tiki and give it to Donny. Pick: Donny

Tall Angry Drunk vs. Rug Buyer
The two powerhouses from last year have reloaded and look to be back at the top of the league. Fortunately for the rest of us, they get to play each other twice this year. For TAD, the two questions are what is Clinton Portis' shoulder like and how will edge fare with a crappy o-line? For Rug Buyer, I just dont trust Julius Jones. I know thats nit picking when he also has Shawn Alexander and Steven Jackon as his two other RBs, but these two teams are really stacked. I like the defenses that TAD's players have to go up against a little bit more, and will give the edge to him. I see both of these teams scoring two of the top 3 scores of the week. Pick: TAD

I'll revisit these pick on tuesday, when I will have gone 4-1 (with my only loss being the fact that I picked myself to win).

Update

3 hours vs 24 thank you's done, not too shabby. Time for a break and an impartial look at this week's FBB playoff status.

Stick a fork in Single Andy, he's done. Muffin had 2 starting pitchers go yesterday and ended up with a sub 2.50 ERA and a sub .50 WHIP (sub .50 WHIP? That's amazing!) SA had his closer blow up and take a loss, never good any week but maximized in the playoffs. SA has the lead after 2 day's but it won't hold up, especially since his top 2 aces are hurt. Unless the MM (Muffin Machine) implodes it will be a Round 2 matchup against ISS, the "Battle of __ Portsmouth" Watch for flying objects and a nighttime murder.

As for Independant Joe and TAD, it's a little closer. IJ has the early lead due to Zambrano's epic collapse. Look for IJ to pull it out and move on.

I'll impartially handicap the 2nd round soon. I'm sure you're all very anxious to see what someone who losses to Tim the Toolman Taylor ("I love hammers!!!!") has to say about baseball...God I suck, I can't belive I came in last! (Maybe I need more hammers next year...hmmm)


Anyway, here are my football predictions. (Note, no research has been done for this and I'm completely guessing)
AFC East: Patriots
AFC North: Bengals
AFC South: Colts
AFC West: Broncos
AFC W/C: Dolphins
AFC W/C: Steelers (watch out for the Jaguars to sneak in again due to an incredibly weak schedule)
AFC Championship: Colts over Bengals

NFC East: Giants (people honestly think the Redskins are good this year? come on)
NFC North: Bears
NFC South: Panthers
NFC West: Seahawks
NFC W/C: Cowboys
NFC W/C: Cardinals (honestly, no NFC wild card team has a chance this year so it really doesn't matter)
NFC Championship: Seahawks over Panthers

Superbowl: Colts over Seahawks

There you have it folks, Manning will finally win the big one (or not, whatever)


Now, if I only had another 8 hours to devote to complete ranting and bitching about SU Football

Welcome Aboard

So the Commish is now up and running on the blog. Thanks to Donny Davenport for his promt response to my e-mail and for helping me pass my time today. I’m on a day off so my wife was generous enough to leave me a list of 6-7 things that I need to do. (Note: spend 2 hours reading 3 months worth of posts on DD's blog was not one of them) The most important is that I need to write 38 thank-you cards by the end of the day. Total right now = 1.

I must say that I am the biggest hypocrite ever. Much of my ranting of the past 2 months has been about how much I’m starting to hate ESPN. So what do I do when left home alone on a Tuesday? I watch ESPN!!! I must say that Cold Pizza is quite possibly the worst show ever. I took a break from the blog reading to switch the t.v. on only to realize that Skip Bayless and Woody Paige were debating something football related that probably had to do with Brett Favre. This led to silent cursing and enabled me to finish up the August blogs…nice work fellas.

One thought since I’ve been gone from reality the past 2 weeks: When the hell did Jason Giambi become a porn star? I mean seriously? That ‘stach has Roid Poppers XXL verson 4 starring Twin Peaks and Tawdry Snow all over it. (ISS, please feel free to insert 2 actual porn stars into the previous sentence because the only one’s I know are Jenna Jamison and Houston)

I also think that Dana Jacobsen is quite possibly the largest female ever. She looks like she could eat Jason Crawford during commercial breaks.

Ok, time to attempt some more thank-you’s. For those of you keeping score: 2 hours blog reading/writing vs 1 thank you note written.

TW’s (The Wife) gonna be pissed if I keep this up





Recent update, 3 more thank-you's have been written, total is now 2.5 hours vs 4 thank you's!!

Fantasy Baseball Playoffs

The regular season is over. Steel took home first, followed by Donny in second, and Independent Joe finishing in the money. The rest of the playoff teams are Single Andy in 4th, Muffin in 5th and Tall Angry Drunk in 6th. Lets preview the first round matchups.

Single Andy (4) vs. Muffin (5): Single Andy was in first for a good portion of the year, now inconsistency and injuries have knocked out his top two starters in Pedro and Beckett. Muffin's pitching has been inconsistent as well, but a return from the DL by Mussina and a trade-deadline acquistion of Clemens could tip the pitching balance in my favor. Offensively, both teams are dealing with injury/health issues from their top offensive players, Ortiz for Single andy, and Hafner for Muffin. I'll give myself the benefit of the doubt, and say a close battle, but a 6-5 or 7-5 victory.

Independent Joe (3) vs. TAD (6): IJ has come on strong in the last few weeks, with big wins over myself and Donny. IJ has pretty strong pitching, and its not a good sign that Carlos Zambrano is already sporting a 36 ERA and 6 WHIP for TAD. I'll give the pitching edge to IJ. Offensively, I'd say they are pretty close. Based on the recent surge by IJ and the fact that he is already 7 for 17, Ill give him the edge. Sorry TAD, I'll give the 7-4 or 8-4 victory to IJ.

The winner of Single Andy v Muffin takes on Steel, while the winner of IJ v TAD takes on Donny. We'll look at round 2 next week.

Congrats to TAD for surviving his BP. Good times were had by all.

Free limo

Frimo...free limo. Thanks to the crapiness of my friends at beer pong, I have won enough loot to pay for the limo ride to cananananananananada for TADs BP. This is awesome. I'm wearing a yellow shirt...what a tool I am, by tool I mean awesome sweet person.

I guess not..

Well, the plan to live blog this event fell apart...except for me. I found a sweet watercloset (WC) upstairs, and I took advantage of it. Single Andy and I created some sweet artwork, and it has been distributed throughout the district of Cochranania. ps. The worst fart that I dropped today was totally blamed on Spaghetti, and I totally played along. Oh my god it stunk so f-ing bad. Cross over, slam dunk, game over...

Ouch

Man, everyone here is being seriously mean. No one cares about our blog. Whatever, fuck it, I dont even care. I just lost a 69 cup game of beer pong, and then for some reason our best player got traded. F-ing honkeys. Seriously, this is wicked lame. Apparently someone who didnt care about my blog is now sitting next to me. Sweet! I HEART BOOBS!

69 cup beer pong

There is an enormous amount of beer being consumed. It's not even 5, which is when we were supposed to end golf. I just heard the longest, loudest argument ever about a disputed throw in a 69-cup game of beer pong. It's hilarious, 69. Get it? Donnie almost just tripped over his own feet. Hopefully he'll grab a water soon.

Your Ass or a Hole In the Ground

The advantage to getting drunk early, is you get to stay drunk longer. I hate AC/DC. And now we're listening to some sort of shitty greatest hits album. WIC. Let's move on. Someone needs to turn the grill on so I can eat some hamburgers. Or maybe, they'll fry up some chicken parm, that'd be BIC.

Another disaster

Well, the 3rd 40 cup game of beer pong has been completed. Anger is brewing, along with a solid deuce from my ass. I will take this opportunity to comment on the state of the union. GWB is a retard, Slick Willy was a horn-ball, who would you rather have running the country..........I agree.

I think we are planning on going to Home Depot...wait, we might not go? Crap, we may not have the time...

Thats how you debate

Well, I joined team TAD and we owned team Random Association. It was sweet. I think I hit 18 of the 40 cups. Further proof, that yes, I do indeed, ROCK! I also farted during the game, and it cleared out the room. Popa TAD left to get another keg, so he was off the team. That sucked, but we still won due to my awesomeness.

BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Almost Trouble

We almost had our first disaster of the evening. At 1:45 in the afternoon. Matthew McConahey (not right, I don't care) tried to kick Donnie, Donnie grabbed his leg, and Matt almost put his hand through the wall. Sould be an interesting day.

Losing, but still Winning

Sometimes losing is like the same as winning, dude. 40 Cup beer pong? If you lose you drink at least 40 cups of beer. If you win, the most you get to drink is 39. So, clearly, we won.

We've been drinking enough to start convincing ourselves of how wealthy we'll be in 5 years. Which, allegedly, is very, but, I'll believe it when i see it. RAISE DUES>

40 cups only...

Much to the dismay of others, there was only a 40 cup, 3 on 3 game of bounce only beer pong. Tall angry drunk with his pop and bro managed to win, after his dad remembered how to hit 3 cups in a row after going 0-15. I feel like less of a man. I think that means Ill have to drink more... Me, Donny and Pasta couldnt overcome the force that is team TAD.

Piss, damn, fart...

It begins....

Steel here. I've been at TAD's party for three minutes and I've been told to live blog fifteen times already. There is a good chance that Donnie will be dead by my hands before five.

Trouble brewing...

We made it through the car ride with lots of flatulence, and a BK stop as well. We are about to embark on a 52-cup game of beer pong. Spaghetti and I used to do this back in '01, while still at a fine state institution. Results of the game to follow... Chlorophil, more like borophil...

A view from the muffin patch

The word 'disaster' has already been used 11 times to describe this event. We are on beer #2 and have been here for 6 minutes. Tall Angry Drunk is not yet drunk or angry. However, he remains tall. Additional blogs and many typos to follow. TAD is holding baby powder, whats happening? He says he needs to 'lube up the crack'. WTF? Semi-hourly updates to follow. Championship...........

LIVE BLOG!

we're live at TAD's house for the bachelor party. golf has been cancelled in lieu of all day beer drinking. we just arrived 8 minutes and are on beer #2 and post #1. updates forthcoming from our award winner cast of muffin man and ironic steel salesmen (who has yet to arrive, and thus isn't drinking yet).

LIVE BLOG!

we're live at TAD's house for the bachelor party. golf has been cancelled in lieu of all day beer drinking. we just arrived 8 minutes and are on beer #2 and post #1. updates forthcoming from our award winner cast of muffin man and ironic steel salesmen (who has yet to arrive, and thus isn't drinking yet).

Randall Simon and the Sausage

Quit beating your sausage, Randall Simon...

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2569280

Correction on Previous Post

Earlier, Donnie informed us all that TAD would not be drinking 43 beers for his bachelor party because he had a wedding the next day. Well, TAD sent an e-mail, and it appears that he, in fact, will not be drinking 43 beers, but instead drinking 53:

"You are sorely mistaken if you think that my having a wedding to attend on Sun will slow me down. yes I read the blog."

I realize that for most (read as: none) of you out there, this means nothing. I, for one, was in a state of shock for a couple of days thinking TAD would sandbag because of a wedding. I underestimated him, and for that I sincerely apologize. Basically, this means that everybody will have fun, and possibly Wang Chung, Saturday night. It would probably be awesome if we could live blog this event, but most of us will probably be unable to operate a lighter, much less a computer. Photographs are also out, as we are all dudes and not high school junior girls on our way to the prom with our senior boyfriends, and thus will not be bringing our cameras for pics of "da crew."

Fantasy Baseball Final Weekend

Its crunch time as the end of the fantasy baseball season wraps up. However, it does not appear that there will be any significant movement. Ironic Steel and Donny appear to have locked up first and second respectively, barring odd weekend occurences. Tall Angry Drunk, who's bachelor party is this weekend which will make him angrier, drunker, and perhaps a little taller, has solidified sixth. The only real uncertainties are 3rd, 4th and 5th. Myself, Single Andy and Independent Joe are battling for these slots. Its looking like I'll take 5th (thanks a lot Buerhle and Mulder...GFY!) and the battle will be between the other two for third.

I'll handicap the playoffs on sunday night or monday am, but its looking like the appartment will get a sweet new addition if Ironic Steel wins first. Steel, remember how we talked about getting a palm tree...

T.J. Houshamazilli....Championship!

Pedro Gomez is Happily Missing from My Life

While watching another sh*tty ESPN update on another athlete that I don't care about and most of America doesn't care about, the above thought dawned on me. Pedro Gomez is gone. And this can only mean one thing. ESPN has awoken to America's blatant disinterest in hearing about Barry Bonds. We don't care about his stupid girlfriends, and his stupid excuses, and certainly not about his bogus pursuit of the home run record. We also have lost interest in wondering why Pedro Gomez gets paid to cover ONE PERSON, who is no more important than my fantasy baseball team (update: Worst in Class is making a last ditch run at first). Since Pedro Gomez is the only person who ever reported on Barry Bonds (see his above full time job description), I hold him fully and personally responsible for any knowledge of Barry Bonds that I have. While we're at it, im putting '50 in 50', that crappy ESPN state by state segment they did, complete with annoying theme song, on him too.

This brings me to why I thought of Barry Bonds today. Another ridiculous report on Terrell Owens. NO ONE CARES THAT HE RODE AN EXERCISE BIKE TODAY, ED WERNER. Do you know how I know this? Because everyday you give a sh*tty report and its followed up by a Bill Parcells press conference where he says the same thing. If the coach doesn't think its news, why do you and your employer? GFY Pedro Gomez, Ed Werner, and ESPN.