The Big Unit

I'm going to steal from the FJM website for a minute, and analyze part of an article from an Arizona-based newspaper on the possible trade of the Unit out of NYC. This could be fantastic. I love the idea of getting younger and slowly bringing the payroll back toward respectability. Unless this opens the way for them to pay over $100M to Zito... (not a good idea, since they already have two soft-throwing lefties in Pettitte and Igawa). My awesomeness in bold

You're living in New York for some godforsaken reason.
Writers note: I recently returned from a trip to the 'godforsaken land' this past week on my trek to become the Muffin Doctor, and wow, was it awful. Ask Pasta, he's been there recently. I saw 5 muggings and two sex crimes on my 5 minute cab ride from to the hospital. Not to mention, I had to endure 'Saw'-like torture devices during my interviews with the residency committe...absolutely dreadful (spoken in a Simon-Cowell accent).

The first hour you're in town, two years ago, a TV guy sticks a camera in your face and embarrasses you. "Hi Randy, welcome to NY. We're excited to have you here to help bring another WS ring to this great city...one that's still recovering from terrorist attacks." ROOAAARRRRR! "Oops, our bad, sorry for caring, since you know, the 4M fans that fill the stadium each year have a little to do with paying your $16M this year and your $32M extension...welcome to NY D-Bag."

You just left a small town - well, in New York they think Phoenix is a small town, but it's really the fifth-largest city in the United States.
Now are we talking population or land-area? Its the day after Jesus' Birthday so I dont feel like looking it up, but I'd imagine by this a-hole's logic, that some cities in Montana are the largest in the world.

So, it's two years ago, and you just left Phoenix for the Big Apple.Good move. Makes sense. Four Cy Youngs and a World Series ring in the desert. Trade 'em in for a chance to be Whitey Ford. But you're not Whitey Ford. First of all, you don't drink enough to be Whitey Ford.
If you want to be Whitey Ford, you NEED to stay in NYC so 'The Donald' can pay for your rehab. Then when you are done with rehab, you can eat that fat bitch Rosie for dessert.

Secondly, you are Randy Johnson. The greatest pitcher of your generation. or Pedro, Roger Clemens, Greg Maddux, heck, even Glavine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.No one on the planet questions the Rocket. Nice point. I agree. Except sometimes you. Don't do it. The Rocket is the Rocket. You are RJ. But I thought Rudy Johnson was the Bengals running back? That's your problem. That's why you went to New York. And that's why you worry about coming home to Arizona - the place you love and the place that loves you. I would also worry about going somewhere that everyone loved me. Everytime I come home for Thanksgiving, I break out in a cold sweat, worrying about all the love and support I'll get there. Oh, except no one loves RJ.

Well, RJ, You're right When did Randy enter into a converstation with this writer? : It's not New York, and it's not the Big Apple. So what? The Big Apple is passé. Yeah, they dont even have those two tall buildings anymore. This is Arizona. This is the future...of prostitution, gambling and crime. This is where everyone is moving because it's a fantastic place to live. It's why you live here.

Time for an SAT analogy. New York city is to Phoenix as Eva Longoria is to ?
a. Rachel Dratch
b. RuPaul
c. Rosie O'Donnell
d. All of the above
correct answer: D

It's why you signed with Joe Garagiola Jr. and his lads to win four Cy Youngs sounds like a pedophile. Four! How many? Four?!?!?! (In case you forgot the word writted 3 words ago - we never said RJ was a Rhodes scholar) Waive that no-trade clause.Pitch two more years. Join a talented young team and go into the Hall of Fame wearing a Diamondbacks hat.

You are a winner, Randy. I love you Let everyone know winners can have a great quality of life. They don't all have to swallow the madness of New York to be considered great.And, by the way, get rid of that "Big Unit" stuff . . . Come on. Randy Johnson, RJ, Hall of Famer. I love you Sounds nice to me.How 'bout you, RJ? I love you Waive that no trade and start the second game of the season for the Diamondbacks behind fellow Cy Young winner Brandon Webb. Sound good? Let's shake. or have sex... Reach Reaves at (602) 444-8125 or joseph.reaves@arizonarepublic

This sounds like an email written by some pathetic guy begging his ex-girlfriend to come back to him, even though she used to cheat on him and ended up leaving him for the better-looking, more successful guy. And when he gets his wish, she'll probably cheat on him again...or need another back surgery.

Big in '07

Fantasy football is done for the year. Congrats to Single Andy. Despite a mediocre team during the regular season, fortunate weekly matchups and the right guys getting hot at the right time netted him his first fantasy title. GFY Samson.

Also, the end of football means the beginning of baseball. Winter meetings are slated for late Jan/early Feb. The draft will be in mid-March. Lots to look forward to, I'll preview the season in a few weeks.

One note from watching MNF. Why is Chad Pennington considered the savior of the Jets? 15 TDs and 16 INTs coming into the season sounds mighty-Aaron Brooks-like to me.

Whatever. Happy 2006th Birthday Jesus (or is it 2005, or 2007...)

0 for 2

It wasnt a good idea the first time. It was an even worse idea the second time. However, TAD and I decided to try power hour number 2 a few days ago. I was already several drinks deep, along with 3 slices and about a dozen wings. I think I made it 48 or 52 minutes, but then I had to go visit BJJ. Although, this shouldn't be considered a failure, since I still got crunked up and played some sweet guitar hero songs. I need to go back 5 years ago when my liver was in college-drinking shape...

Merry Christmas everyone!

0 for 2

It wasnt a good idea the first time. It was an even worse idea the second time. However, TAD and I decided to try power hour number 2 a few days ago. I was already several drinks deep, along with 3 slices and about a dozen wings. I think I made it 48 or 52 minutes, but then I had to go visit BJJ. Although, this shouldn't be considered a failure, since I still got crunked up and played some sweet guitar hero songs. I need to go back 5 years ago when my liver was in college-drinking shape...

Merry Christmas everyone!

Recent Events

First, one from national "news". Ok, so Ms. America or USA or whatever, gets drunk and kisses a chick, and this constitutes the need to enter rehab? In my opinion, it is a pre-requisite for admission into the Awesomeness Hall of Fame.

Second, a recap of my conversation with the cute female cashier at CVS.

Her: Your total is $43.
Me: Woah, thats a lot.
Her: Do you have a CVS card?
Me: No, I have the application, but I've been too lazy to fill it out.
Her: Hee hee hee.
Me: Man, I guess those razor blades are really expensive.
Her: Yeah, for Christmas, I just bought my boyfriend blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Apologies...

...for consistently crapping the bed with live blogging adventures. No more false promises. Only post-event blogs fromo now on. I figured I'd try to add to some amusement and minimal insight to this shit. A few fun things from this weekend:

- Went to see New Found Glory on Friday. Accidentally stumbled into a high school ice cream social. Seriously, if there wasn't booze there, I wouldn't have known how to handle the situation. Fortunately, I got drunk and harassed 16-year-old chicks. Most of you are probably not familiar with NFG, beyond the "Songs From the Big Screen" cover album. But they went 4 for 5 on my favorite tunes. They played "Hit or Miss", "My Friends Over You", "Glory of Love", and "Understatement", but didn't play "The Story So Far." If you haven't heard/can't remember these songs, I highly recommend them. Best part of the show? Watching a minimum of 5 wasted high schoolers get booted from the bar. Also, the sweet 80's rock that was played between the second band and NFG, which half the bar did not recognize.

- Saw the Amerks slaughter Binghamton on Saturday night. I don't know who was playing goal for Binghamton, but I am convinced I couldn't done better than him. Mind you, I haven't played hockey in at least five years, and probably haven't skated in 2-3. Plus, I had been drinking, and only played goal on the ice in practice when I was in the third grade. The highlight of the night was probably when some Amerk dove face-first into a Binghamton slapshot and almost died. It was a pivotal point in the night, because I pointed out that it was probably not the textbook shot-blocking method, and the people in front of us laughed. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, and inappropriatness ensued.

- Our good friend Johnny Just Crossed was offended by something that Greasy Pasta (or whatever we're calling him now) said this weekend. He has promised an anti-Pasta blog until an apology ensues. When this happens, we will make sure to link to that. I think he's too lazy and short to start his own blog; however Donny did start this thing, so I guess anything's possible. (Zing!)

- If you don't read The Might MJD's Smorgasbord, you are doing yourself a disservice. On top of the fantastic blogging he does at this thing, they have a link to this awesome page of t-shirts, including this one, which I ordered yesterday and am eagerly awaiting for my next job interview.

**** in a Box

This is why I always DVR SNL. On the off chance something funny actually happens.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vF6vD9l3Ks

Also, youtube took it down already, but the Barry Gibb Show skit from Saturday was BIC too. I think you can see it on nbc.com.

Two Rants

#1. Hey ESPN. There are 32 NFL teams. 16 games per week (not counting bye weeks). So, stop counting down to your weekly crap-fest at 830 pm and asking me "Is it monday yet"? Your coverage is terrible and I can't stand listening to Joey T. give verbal-oral sex to at least one player on the field for 3.5 hours (usually Brett Farve - misspelled intentionally). So instead of counting to that, how about a countdown to something more enjoyable, like my first prostate exam? 23 years, 6 months, 14 hours, 31 minutes, 8 seconds...

#2. Hey Mike Greenberg...stop telling people to "man-up". Thats basically the same as Rosie O'Donnell telling the late Princess Diana how to act more like a lady. Mike & Mike, GFY

Baseball Hot Stove

No, not the one where actual human beings are making 8-9 figure salaries regardless of talent level (I think I should take a year off from med school, work as a RH middle reliever and make enough money to pay off my debt). I am of course talking about the fantasy baseball hot stove. I know our football summaries received high ratings, so I'll keep all of our readers updated.

The first move of the offseason was completed at the ISS/MM holiday party 2.0. While Pasta has been pressing to get a Willie Parker trade done, instead Alfonso Soriano (1st round) is now the property of Pasta for a 3rd round pick. Fortunately, the groundwork for this deal had been laid a few days prior, or I may have walked away with a 13th round pick instead due to my very drunken state.

Second, the Commish received Vern-Pipes (6th) from Big Bro for a 5th round pick. Nice value, as Vipes may have gone as early as round 1.

Rumors are out there that Independent Joe and TAD are both ready to add some logs to the already burning hot stove (hee...hee...hee...logs) and you can never discount Donny to come in and try to make an elaborate drunken trade.

To conclude, TAD and I completed a power hour at the end of Holiday Party 2.0...finishing at 330 am. Not a good idea.

Recount

Don't forget one very drunk, angry Muffin. I think he was trying to steal Tall Angry Drunk's shtick.

In Fantasy Football playoff news, the Big Tuna pulled a big switcheroo, dumping JP Losman at the last minute for Ben Roethlisberger, and then in turn Jeff Garcia. I seem to recall drunkenly suggesting Garcia last night. Bad idea. GFY-S!

Live Blog?

Evidently today is supposed to be a live-blogging event. It is now 11:53. Today's count from last night's holiday party?

2: Number of people other than myself laying on couches

3: Number of glasses of leftover sangria I have watched

1: Number of episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force we have watched

0: Number of cups/bottles I have cleaned up

We'll see how this goes.....

Crisis averted...

Ted Lilly signs with...the Cubs. Thankfully for me as a Yankees fan (and member of the CTY blog), Cashman is showing lots of restraint this offseason. I like the direction the team is heading...young, inexpensive players. Granted the payroll is still $800 Million, but it should be in the mid-700s by opening day.

Now as long as they don't sign Richie Sexson...